Zuffa Source: Fuel TV considering “All Dana” programming shift

A source inside Zuffa LLC., the entertainment company that runs the UFC, told MMA Gonzo that Fox-owned cable channel Fuel TV was considering a move to a programming lineup consisting entirely of content focused on UFC President Dana White.

“From the vlogs, to the celebrity-boxing type stuff, there’s a lot of tape of Dana out there,” said the source.  “The folks at Fox think that Dana TV could evolve into something big.”

“They’ve got all the bases covered,” replied the source when questioned as to whether an All-Dana lineup could maintain fresh content. “They’ve got a bunch of Dana-brand spinoffs. ‘The Fight Business’ will be a show were MMA fans will compete to win a six-figure salary as a UFC executive — think the Apprentice, but with Dana instead of Donald. But there’s way more than that, a medical drama based on Menierre’s disease, an MMA roundtable like talking heads news show — and that’s not even getting into the ‘Dana after Dark’ programming.”

Introducing “Dana-vision”

Study: Fedor the most underrated and overrated fighter in MMA history – physicists say God finally disproved

A recent study of Mixed Martial Arts message boards has revealed a shocking statistic that has the International Organization of Physicists questioning the very nature of existence. The group said that the data, which indicates that Russian heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko is simultaneously viewed as both the most “underrated and overrated fighter in the history of the violent young sport,” has no parallel in the time tested tradition of scientific exploration.

The un-God Particle...

In a statement released today the group declared the polarizing results are “virtually undeniable proof that there is no higher power.”

“It is this organization’s consensual view that any and all attempts to rectify this level of self-delusion with a higher being or “God” would shatter the entire foundation of not only physics but what is collectively viewed as the metaphysically tangible world. While great philosophers have pondered the nature of mankind’s existence throughout time, at least the question of a higher power can be finally put to rest,” the group said from a prepared statement posted on their website.

While the Institute’s statistical modeling filled three volumes of last month’s Journal of Physics, researchers were alarmed that the incredible results were being totally ignored by the media and public-at-large.

“It’s almost like if it didn’t happen in the U.F.C. then it didn’t happen at all,” said a scientist associated with the research who wished to remain unidentified.

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Upcoming UFC on FX event to be presented “By Rape”

In a shocking move today UFC owner Lorenzo Fertitta stepped in from behind the scenes and finally broke silence about the Dana White vs. Miguel Torres Twitter Rape-Gate scandal, and the Zuffa head honcho had more than just kind words for the former WEC Bantamweight champ.

Fertitta told MMA Gonzo that not only would Torres be instated in the UFC immediately, but the former 135-pound kingpin would co-headline a special UFC on FX card sponsored by the Rape industry.

Have you heard the one about the Nun and the Priest?

“Dana kind of dropped the ball on this one,” Fertitta told MMA Gonzo pool side at the Palms Casino. “Rape can be funny.

I mean, you can’t just go up to girls and scream ‘I’m going to rape you!’ or ‘Remember when I raped you? Wasn’t that awesome!’  But alluding to it comically isn’t necessarily a punch-line death sentence. Not to mention Miguel was referencing “Always Sunny on Philadelphia,” Fertitta explained.

“I’ve been on the phone with the Rape people, and to make it up to them and Miguel, we’re going to host a special one-night live  UFC on FX event sponsored by Rape.”

MMA Gonzo confirmed with various UFC sources that the aforementioned fight card will feature the aforementioned featherweight in a co-main event match-up  with an opponent yet-to-be determined and is tentatively scheduled to take place June 9th in Anaheim.

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Rampage looking to return to Pride-era form

In a recent press conference in advance of UFC 144,  Quinton “Rampage” Jackson hinted that a return to Japan might reinvigorate his fighting style:

“One thing I love about the Japanese fans and why I love them the most out of everybody is because they don’t care if you win or lose,” Jackson said. “That’s why Japanese fans are my favorite. American fans are jealous that I say that all the time. In America, you’re under so much pressure to win and win at any cost. … In Japan it’s just a different energy and stuff like that, so who knows, I may take more chances and not care, because it’s all about the crowd.”

Godzilla aint got shit on me!

MMA Gonzo has learned from a source close to Jackson, that the former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion will also be returning to his old Pride form, electing not to seriously train for his upcoming UFC 144 tilt against Ryan Bader.

“Page is looking to go full samurai for this one, just like the old days,” the source explained, “and that means no training, just like the old days.”

“When he power-bombed Arona? He was on a three-day sushi and energy-drink bender,” the source continued. “I know it’s crazy, but for Page it works – most of the time. He took it a little too far against Sakuraba, thought he actually was Godzilla all the way to the ring.”

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Exclusive: Papy Abedi’s cigar reflects on UFC 138 experience

Two weeks after his life-partner’s submission loss to Thiago Alves at UFC 138, Papy Abedi’s cigar has had plenty of time to reflect. MMA Gonzo caught up with the Roko, the Cameroon-Dominican blend back home with Papy in Sweden

Papy and Roko face off against Thiago Alves at the UFC 138 Weigh-in.

MMA Gonzo: Looking back at the night, how do you feel about the way things went?

Roko:

“Looking back, I remember that the entrance was perfect, Papy and I nailed it. After that, when Papy had to put me down and enter the cage, I think something was just missing.”

MMA Gonzo: What was missing?

Roko:

“Well not to sound arrogant or anything, but mostly me. When we’re training I’m always there in Papy’s mouth, helping him through the techniques and just generally encouraging him. Without me there, he just seemed to kind of abandon the gameplan we had worked on.”

MMA Gonzo: Did you discuss the possibility of you and Papy entering the Octagon together with the Athletic Comission?

Roko:

“Let’s get serious here, I’m a cigar.  The UFC definitely wants a tough-guy image, but smoking just isn’t hip with the Zuffa brass. Papy and I talked about smuggling a small bit of my tobacco into his mouthpiece, but in the end if we decided that if we couldn’t do it the right way we weren’t going to cheat.”

 

Papy and Roko pose for a photo.

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Breaking news: UFC on Fox

MMA Gonzo’s sources inside at The Honda Center in Anaheim have verified that the crowd in attendance mistakenly believe they are at the Pacquiao vs. Marquez boxing match, scheduled for tonight in Las Vegas.

MMA Gonzo caught up with one bewildered spectator:

“I’m pretty drunk, but aren’t the referees supposed to stop them from going to the ground?” queried the fight fan, decked out in a home-made T-shirt depicting the famous vide0-game icon PacMan corpse riddled with bullets and bleeding and the hastily-scrawled inscription “Viva Marquez”.

Fox Officials reportedly planning Family Guy-UFC tie-in

MMA Gonzo has learned from a high-ranking Fox Television employee that the Nov. 12 inaugural UFC on Fox broadcast will feature play-by-play from an unlikely member of the Fox “Family” –  Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane.

Welcome back to the Comedy Central roast of Bronson Pinchot...

The interesting move not only highlights just how little Fox executives care about the UFC product, it’s not even popular with McFarlane, who the source says usually will attach his name to literally anything:

“Word around the campfire is that Seth may do the entire fight in that Stewie voice, just because he’s so pissed about the whole thing,” said the source, which was definitely not a member of the 27-time Emmy award winning staff of “The Simpsons.”

“Seth wants so badly to be considered hip, hence all those atrocious Comedy Central roasts, but he wants nothing to do with the UFC, or any type of sporting activity not involving plastic surgery,”  continued the source, in no way affiliated with the  longest-running American primetime, scripted television series.

“Fox still owns his soul from his earlier ‘not so comfortably in the closet,’ days.”

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Zuffa to establish fighter nickname panel

A high-ranking source inside Zuffa told MMA Gonzo that the company will soon be implementing an “official nickname panel” to screen fighters for their upcoming UFC and Strikeforce bouts:

And in the red corner... are you kidding me? Another "Assassin?"... f*^$@

 

 

The source explained:

“Dana can be edgy some times, but I haven’t seen him this worked up since Tito bowed out of that boxing match,” the source said. “But he’s practically foaming at the mouth, he says if he hears “Pitbull” one more time he’s going to bitch slap Scott Coker.”

 

“I don’t know what Coker has to do with nicknaming fighters, but that’s been Dana’s favorite threat ever since the acquisition,” the source continued.

 

Stay tuned to MMA Gonzo for the latest news from the nickname panel, which is expected to make a ruling on Kenny “Ken Flo” Florian soon.

 

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Bellator CEO Rebney defecting to stage

With the recent sale of a majority interest in Bellator Fighting Championships to media giant Viacom, MMA Gonzo has learned that Bellator founder and CEO Bjorn Rebney has told Bellator production staff that he will step down from the organization to pursue his second passion – musical theatre.

The Bellator boss is reportedly close to landing the role of Riff Raff in an off-off-Broadway Halloween season production of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

Science fiction...

MMA Gonzo caught up with Georgio Sandoval, who plays Dr. Frankenfurter, the sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania, in the production.

“Everything’s groovy like an old Steve Reves’ movie,” Sandoval said. “We definitely needed a new Riff Raff after the Magenta incident, and Bjorn seems to be pretty dedicated.  He knows the script backwards and forwards – and you should see him do ‘The Time Warp.'”

Check out Bjorn and crew at the East Village YMCA, shows run through Halloween weekend.

...double feature

Rumour: UFC-brand furniture may be coming soon

MMA Gonzo Rumour Wire

No, you're not in the Twilight zone, this shit actually exists...

Wan’t to “Get in on” in the Octagon? You might have the chance soon… Zuffa LLC. is rumoured to be in negotiations for a UFC based furniture line, which may include a faux-chain lined Octagon parasol bed.

UFC president Dana White weighed in on the possibility of UFC-branded furniture.

“If people want to buy this fucking shit, we’ll make it. I personally prefer sleeping on a water mattress filled with  the fucking entrails of those who dare oppose me, but to each his own,” said White. “We’re just touching the tip of the iceberg with this shit, wait to you see what we have in store for the kitchen.”

Stay tuned to MMA Gonzo for the latest cage-fighting capitalism updates.

-JT

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